The main ingredient for anomalously popular Scottish soft drink Irn-Bru, often a closely guarded secret, has this week been revealed to be the salty, hungover tears of Scottish record spinner Jackmaster.
Jackmaster, himself a fan of what has often been described as “Scotland’s other national drink” behind heroin and chip fat, reportedly was recruited to provide that “specific level of teary flavour” found in the wet streaks of hungover weeping of every Scottish DJ.
“Before me it was Funk D’Void’s wet eye leaks that went into creating the indefinable magic that is Irn-Bru and before him it was the boys from Slam,” claimed a tearful Jackmaster following a weary weekend in Subby. “When I tell people they often ask ‘but if the tears of Scottish DJs’ are the main ingredient for Irn-Bru, then how come Calvin Harris hasn’t been asked.’ To which I always reply ‘I said Scottish DJ, not Scottish pop-star producer who portrays himself as a DJ because he can’t sing or dance and has vaguely electronic music.'”
The process of manufacturing the number of tears required involves booking Jackmaster to DJ, plying him with a few “cheeky haufs and bumps and then plying him with the darkest, brownest Scottish whisky,” claimed a spokesperson for Barr, the company responsible for Irn-Bru. “Then when he wakes up we deny him any juice, put Cher’s Believe on repeat and play clips of Scottish sporting tragedies until he pisses from his eyes.”
“At that point it’s mixed with the distilled beard of a flame haired highlander to give it its rich orange colour,” he added. “The more hungover Jackmaster is the more potent and flavourful the mixture is, so we usually try to do this after he’s been on the road for a few days, after the Ibiza season, or 15 minutes in Sub Club.”
Jackmaster says he is proud to do his national duty in the making of Irn-Bru but that sometimes he finds the whole process unnerving.
“Every time I drink Irn-Bru it’s basically drinking myself, it’s getting a bit of physical pleasure from myself,” confided Jackmaster. “It must be how Simon Cowell must feel when he wanks at his reflection or Deadmau5 when he hears himself talk.”
