A bedroom DJ from Edinburgh, Scotland, has made ambitious plans that will see him play in a kitchen sometime later this year.
Barry McAllister, a music student at the Edinburgh College of Art, has indicated that he is ready to take the first step to stardom by playing an extended two hour set, possibly in front of people, at his friend Ryan’s “free house” towards the end of the summer.
“I’ve been on the decks a lot this last year and I’m really starting to feel confident enough to finally move my show out of my bedroom,” explained McAllister, who likened himself to a young Calvin Harris or Harris before he turned into an insufferable, egotistical cash magnet.
“I’ve been DJing for nearly three years now, I tried to DJ in front of people one time back in 2013,” continued McAllister with an air of regret, “but that ended in disaster. I totally froze with nerves and ended up pissing my pants. The kids in school called me Paul Piss & Fold for months.”
“I thought I’d never DJ in public again,” claimed McAllister ruefully. “But I’ve been putting a lot of work in in the bedroom and my mixing is getting really tight, I’ve also developed a bit of a cocaine habit so naturally my confidence is pretty high at the moment.”
“My mate Ryan’s mum and dad always go away at the end of the summer and he’s planning a really big party this year,” revealed a more upbeat McAllister while hoovering up a “red alert” sized line of Edinburgh’s finest cocaine. “It’s the perfect place for me to take the next step toward becoming a world famous DJ.”
“I definitely will be playing in clubs this time next year. I’m on the fast track to the high life baby and nothing’s going to slow me down,” he said as the coke kicked in giving him a heightened sense of courage. “I’ll be up top my tits in pussy and coke, mark my word I’m taking over the world,” shouted McAllister before ripping his shirt off and doing push ups in front of his mirror.
According to Ryan Robson, McAllister’s friend and potential party host, there will be no special treatment given to his pal, who will “probably get an early slot in the kitchen before the good DJs play”, and insisted any pants pissing will result in the perpetrator being “swiftly fucked out on their ear”.
This guy’s way behind the scene. I’ve been playing in the kitchen for years now and have only shat myself twice.