In a move that is sure to be welcomed by everyone who is not a fashion fad jumping moron, the government have today announced a cull of men with that stupid top knot hairstyle.
Police have reportedly received millions of complaints from neighbours of topknotted young men, with their rolled up cigarettes and craft beers, gentrifying housing estates and flat complexes with their ironic appreciation of outsider art and shuffling practice.
“There were a few of them in here this morning,” confirmed one local shopkeeper. “Telling me my coffee should be fair trade and trying to get me to order in some weird American cereals, all the while their topknots were bobbing around their head, like little exclamation points that let passersby know that the person beneath it is a dickhead.”
“The sooner the police, or barbers, do something about it, the happier we’ll all be,” he added.
Police claim that the topknotters, or self proclaimed “deep house fans” as they are also known, are likely to be spotted at multifunctional pop-up art spaces; like a tattoo parlour cum cafe or a yoga studio that also doubles as a hardware.
“They don’t see anything cretinous about the hairstyle, which is a cause for concern,” claimed a police spokesperson who said that having a “head-clit or cunt-bun” is now a legal matter. “We don’t even know where they came from but we suspect probably Ibiza.”
The fashion movement, which is believed to have been started by a drunk Gok Wan for a laugh, can be solved by simply removing the “horrible rat’s tail” from the head of the men, claim police who are issuing local constabularies with “scissors on the end of tranquilizer rifles loaded with ketamine”.
“We need to, if not eradicate them completely, then get the numbers manageable, one laughable moron per street,” continued the police statement which went on to encourage those men with topknots to “cut them off themselves as they are a massive threat to society owing to the fact that they look stupid, indicate that you’re an effete, urban, dick-trumpeteer and are 500 times more likely to be punched in the dick”.
“I’m delighted with this measure,” claimed one member of the public who’ll be grateful to see the topknot eradicated. “My son grew one and within a week he was nurturing the superior air of someone who drinks artisanal coffee in his web start up while acting like he’s still a student.”
“He, with a serious face, told me he’s going to make millions working on an app that alerts you every time you’re within 50 metres of a dedicated gluten free bakery,” he added. “And, unless we eliminate topknots now, he probably will.”
Man-buns, big filthy beards, these bizarre samurai knots on top of the head are both trendy and ugly. Trendy being the worst of the two descriptions. I used to mistakenly think only women and gay men were trend obsessed but when these guys invaded my once beloved Silverlake neighborhood…I saw I was quite wrong. They haven’t an ounce of originality. Can’t wait till this comical look goes away. These guys will be too ashamed to show pictures from this time period later on.