Ireland has officially been declared “the new Ibiza” after news emerged highlighting a loophole in Irish law which means that some narcotics, including ecstasy, ketamine and crystal meth are legal until midnight on Thursday.
Hundreds of thousands of drug tourists are expected to pour into the Emerald Isle over the next two days, with commercial flights and budget accommodation currently at a premium nationwide.
In a bid to look less like an “amateurish bunch of fuck monkies who couldn’t run a country to save their lives” the Irish government have supported the idea of temporarily legalising drugs and are encouraging people to visit the country over the next forty eight hours.
“Ireland and Ibiza actually have quite a lot in common so to declare Ireland the new Ibiza really isn’t all that far fetched,” explained Paschal Donohoe, Ireland’s Minister for Transport, Tourism and Sport. “They both begin with an ‘I’, they’re both islands and they’re both predominantly shit for eight months of the year.”
The government has admitted plans to take advantage of the inadvertent legality and, in parliamentary jargon, “milk the absolute arse out of it” by printing their own ecstasy, called Green Shamrocks, using bits of old cabbage, Guinness, hair and the sound of a fiddle hitting a floor.
“We’re going to try and embrace this change in the legal status of a number of drugs by making the country a more amenable place for clubbing tourists,” continued Paschal. “We’ll now have 24 hour licencing laws to encourage clubbers, lift the current 80% tax on glowsticks, replace all traditional Irish dancing with ‘rave dancing’, and reinstate plans to put Fatboy Slim’s face onto the €50 note.”
Despite these measures, Irish locals are warning would-be tourists coming in search of a utopian techno paradise to be cautious as there is likely to be ‘fuck all’ to do over the course of the next forty eight hours.
“I wouldn’t be bothered coming to Ireland if I’m being honest,” claimed Dubliner Derrick O’Rourke. “There’s zero craic around here on a Tuesday and Wednesday night so the whole thing is a bit of a waste of time.”
“Unless you like doing yokes in your mate’s shed while he plays hours of hard house and discovers how many new angles in which he can move his jaw,” he added. “Then you’re in for a treat.”
“But you’d be better off going to Amsterdam for a few days,” continued O’Rourke. “At least the drug policies over there are based on the forward thinking policies of a progressive government, whereas this situation is based on the incompetence of a bunch of entitled, schoolteacher spas who wouldn’t know their arse from their elbow even if you gave them detailed directions.”
In related news, Wunderground readers are advised to find alternative media sources for the next two days as the Dublin based company is expected to be completely closed until Friday morning for crucial “maintenance” work.
Trying hard to be funny
and the image is of some of our fab J1ers in the States