An out of touch 35-year-old clubber has become the laughing stock of an entire generation after he foolishly put a gram of bath salts into a bath full of hot water.
Martin O’Meara, a postman from Newark, New Jersey, was given the small bag of bath salts at an after party on Friday night before making his way to the bathroom and emptying its entire contents into the bathtub.
“Some young ass hat-wearing hipster handed me a bag and told me to go try it out in the bathroom,” explained Mr. O’Meara during an exclusive interview with Wunderground earlier today. “I asked him what it was and he told me it was bath salts. I did think it was kind of weird but I don’t really know what kids these days do so I just went with it.”
“I went upstairs filled a bath and dumped the whole lot of it in there,” continued a slightly blushing O’Meara. “I got into the bath and sat there for about twenty five minutes. I remember thinking ‘these bath salts are shit’ as there was no smell off them and they were gritty in my ass. It was a pretty uncomfortable bath to be honest.”
“Then I went back downstairs and told the guy what I’d done and how the bath salts didn’t work but he just started pointing and laughing at me and announced ‘this old fool just dumped a full gram into the bath’ to the entire room,” revealed O’Meara. “Everyone started to laugh at me. It was horrible, how was I, an experienced party animal, the butt of a joke in a room full of cunts wearing non-prescription glasses and drinking vodka and elderflower juice out of jars? What’s wrong with the world?”
“If he had of just told me they were drugs I obviously would have gone to the toilet and snorted a ridiculously greedy amount of them,” continued the perturbed protagonist. “I mean in my day we called drugs drugs, there was coke, blow, weed, whizz, all sorts. Whereas nowadays you’ve got bath salts, that must get very confusing, particularly if there are actual bath salts involved.”
“Needless to say I left the party pretty soon afterwards,” admitted O’Meara. “But not before the little prick told me I owed him twenty bucks for the bag of shit I poured in the bath. I paid him and went home. I decided I may as well try and get some value for my money so I spent about half an hour licking my arms but it was too late the residue of the bath salts was long gone. Young people today are such dicks.”
