A young hipster who contends that he is 100% gluten free can miraculously eat pizza when he’s had a few drinks.
Toby Willis, who likes to make a big elaborate deal out of the fact that he doesn’t eat bread and biscuits, reportedly undergoes a medical miracle when drunk that allows him to stuff his face with pizza.
“I’ve been gluten free for about 18 months now, it’s just a healthier option for showing off,” explained Toby over a latte in the served out of a jar and sculpted in the shape of Damien Hirst’s eyebrow. “I see people stuff their faces with sausages and burgers but I wouldn’t put the crap in my body.”
“It’s literally poison,” he explained while sucking on a rolled up cigarette. “Gluten is just such a toxic substance that I don’t even find it hard not to eat it in all its deliciousness.”
“But, despite there being gluten in pizza base my stomach is able to digest it when I’ve been on the batter over the weekend,” he added. “I think the gin, cucumber and ecstasy tabs in my stomach melts the gluten and makes it digestable.”
“It must be that, what it certainly isn’t is me just being a feckless hipster who eats fads to impress dippy chicks in my art class,” explained Toby. “That’s not it at all, more likely is that my body undergoes a strange medical transformation after midnight on nights when I’ve been drinking, allowing me to eat pizza.”
