A Roman centurion has become the latest in the massively long list of people who feel it necessary to tell you that Ibiza isn’t as good as it used to be.
Following in the footsteps of people who were there in the late 80s before it became commercial, fans of 90s trance and black t-shirt wearing mid noughties minimal techno kids, the Roman centurion, Crassus, made the observation yesterday morning after beaching his trireme in the sand at Playa D’en Bossa.
“It’s just not the same,” claimed Crassus, a Gaul who first came to Ibiza when it was just an outpost to protect Roman merchants from Carthaginian raiders. “We called it Ebusus then, I remember when the West End was just a slave holding area where soldiers and sailors would come to fuck some cunny for a denarius and drink their body weight in mead.”
“So not that different actually,” he pointed out.
“The island has gone a bit too sanitised now, I remember in the days of the old Republic when every god would have a temple on Ibiza,” continued Crassus. “We’d have the wildest parties in Venus’s temples as the minstrels would play epic 24 hour sets. They were amazing times, even the vestal virgins joined in. You wouldn’t get that now.”
“Once they put the roof on the Coliseum it lost its energy,” he added. “I remember seeing Maximus fight Commodus there at the opening party on the XXX of Quintilis. It was amazing, they had tigers and free bread.”
Crassus claims the island slowly became more and more commercial as the Empire grew, bringing with it legions of greedy merchants and pissed up Britons who didn’t respect the original culture and were more interested in fighting and trying to get triumphs.
“They don’t even commemorate the old gods any more or enjoy the sun, bloody Christians ruined it,” he concluded before dismissively walking away with claims that he was going Croatia, which he insists is “the new Ibiza”.
