High powered ketamine built specifically for dinosaurs set to feature as a major plot point in the upcoming Jurassic World film has this week been stolen from the set.
The super strong ketamine, the existence of which was first revealed by Wunderground last year, is used in the film as a last line of defence against the rampaging reptiles.
“We made the batch of dino-ket specially for the film, both as a plot point and a safety measure, this being the first film in the Jurassic Park franchise to feature real dinosaurs,” claimed executive producer Alison Jones. “We managed to clone them in a lab using bits of old frog and the blood of a dinosaur that we got from a mosquito we found locked in a frozen bottle of Lucozade down the back of Funk D’Void’s production desk.”
Alison claims that police are making inquiries into the stolen ketamine – focusing their efforts on a group of men spotted near the set wearing man buns and Crosstown Rebels t-shirts.
“This ketamine really isn’t safe for human consumption as it’s capable of giving dinosaurs a whompy head trip in even the smallest doses,” she continued before describing how all the scenes of dinosaurs using the ket were shot completely real with no camera trickery.
“To be honest, most of the film just features two velociraptors chilling out under a tree doing massive bumps of ket off their foot claws, listening to Maceo Plex mixes and eating the odd human,” claimed Alsion. “They’re sorta just rolling around the place having nonsensical conversations, like Waiting For Godot except with dinosaurs on ket.”
“At one point Chris Pratt’s character is able to walk up behind them as they’re messing around taking selfies with a Traktor controller to draw a willy on one of their backs in marker pen,” he continued. “They don’t even spot him cause they’re in such a massive k-holes and have their eyes closed because there’s an Innervisions track being played.”
“Some people have cited this scene as being unrealistic but if you can suspend your disbelief for there being genetically engineered super dinosaurs then you really shouldn’t have a problem with a dude drawing a cock on the back of one.”
Alison claims that the first two thirds of the film plays out like a Hot Creations Boiler Room party where ketted up reptiles sway slightly to summery tech-house.
“It’s only in act three, when the ketamine runs out that shit starts to happen in the film,” added Roger. “Some super genetically modified T-rex womps a big fat line of the dino ket into him, taking out the entire supply, that’s when the raptors stop doing piano fingers and listening to man trance to start eating the fuck out of some children.”
“The fear now is that, with the ketamine supply actually having been stolen that the T-Rex is going to get pretty fucking restless when he wakes up from a valium induced post-session coma,” she added. “We’re urging whoever stole the ketamine to return it immediately or else there’s going to be some real life rampaging dinosaurs on the loose. Also we’re having a bit of a party tonight.”
