The electronic music industry was celebrating last night after it was officially declared that every song in recorded history now has a dance remix.
The news was announced shortly after ten o’clock last night when internet user Shuffler2013 finished working on a bootleg remix of the Venezuelan national anthem and completing the remixing of the entire back catalog of all music ever produced.
“It’s a great day for everyone involved in Dance Music,” claimed Calvin Harris, the recently appointed chief spokesperson of the International Remixers Association, also known as the IRA. “It’s a great comfort to know that there is a cheap and tacky version of absolutely every song that has ever been made so no matter how obscure the song, we’ll be able to slot it nicely into an EDM set.”
“I personally have been responsible for a quite a lot of the remixes under various different aliases,” continued Mr. Harris, best know for his failed romances with fifty percent of women in the music industry. “Some people would say that by making trashy versions of good music we’re cheapening the industry but I’d say ‘so what I’m getting paid’ and that’s all that really matters.”
“The only thing is, now that we’ve completely finished with all the recorded music, there’s nothing left to remix,” claimed Harris. “The music I produce doesn’t exactly take very long to do and I’ll be totally bored if I’ve got nothing to remix so I’ll probably just start remixing remixes or doing remixes of mashups, just to keep busy.”
Music fan Brian Mitchell claims that he “absolutely loves remixes” and can’t wait until he’s “heard them all”.
“They’re brilliant them remixes,” claimed Mitchell, twenty three. “I especially love when they take a song that I would normally think is boring, like Fleetwood Mac or something my dad would listen to, and put a load of massive drops in and speed the vocal up so it sounds like a chipmunk is singing, that really gets me going when I’m out in a club.”
“My personal favorite is the hardcore version of The Fields of Athenry,” he continued, “because it’s kind of cultural and historical but it’s got a donk on it so it feels like you’re learning and having fun at the same time. If I hear a DJ play that I’m guaranteed to have a cracker of a night.”
According to industry insiders, remixers are set to target spoken word, classic poetry and English literature to work with while the stock of remixable music replenishes.
