A stoner in Denver, Colorado, has resigned himself to an eternity in the fiery pits of Hell after rolling a joint using a page from The Bible.
Tommy Kearns claimed he entered the “perfect storm of sobriety”, after simultaneously running out of smoking papers and pipe gauzes, where he was forced to make the most out of the resources at his disposal to “blaze a doobie”.
“I don’t know what happened man. Usually I’m really careful about not running out of papers, I almost always have a back up pack somewhere in reserve but I’ve been hitting the weed pretty heavily recently so I guess I just forgot to restock,” explained Kearns earlier today. “Then I went to hit my bong and realized I had no gauzes left. It was like hearing the horsemen of the apocalypse. I actually thought I wasn’t going to be able to get high.”
“I was looking everywhere for something to smoke with but there was nothing, I thought I was going to have a panic attack and then I seen The Bible, sitting there unused like a present from god,” continued Kearns, who claims to have once rolled a sixty two skinner spliff. “I know it’s morally wrong and I’ll probably end up in Hell for doing it, but I just couldn’t help myself. I rolled a spliff with a page from The Bible.”
“The paper was just perfect, nice and light and with a good grip it didn’t even unravel,” he claimed. “I didn’t want to smoke any scripture so I used one of the blank pages towards the back, it was literally one of the nicest spliffs I’ve ever smoked.”
“I promised myself I’d only do it once but that only lasted for about an hour,” admitted the stoner. “At this stage I’ve gone through all the blank pages and about a third of Genesis. I just don’t think there’s any point going all the way to the store for a pack of papers when I’ve got The Bible gathering dust here. I’m actually doing my bit for the planet by conserving paper and keeping my carbon footprint down by cutting out needless trips in the car.”
According to sources within Mr. Kearns’s converted attic bedroom, the stoner later found an unopened pack of gauzes which he used in his bong, however, he continued his current blasphemous trend by filling the bong with holy-water to save himself having to make the journey down two flights of stairs to fill it at the kitchen sink.
