A study has today made the claim that there is no such as thing as just having one drink.
“What we have discovered is that, despite people’s best intentions of only consuming one alcoholic beverage, it’s actually impossible,” claimed study leader Dr. Abdul Murphy. “Nobody in recorded history has ever just had one.”
Some of the reasons suspected to make only having one drink impossible include latent alcoholism, maths, gas craic and politeness.
“If you’re going rounds with a friend you can’t very well have one drink then fuck off home, having had your mate pay for it, you’ve got to return the favour and buy him one,” explained Abdel. “So while you’re both claiming you’ll only have one you actually mean you’ll only have one times two.”
“For years people have been saying let’s go for one drink,” he added, “fully expecting that to be a possibility but you’ll notice that it never actually is just one drink, it’s usually seven.”
“I went for one drink once and it turned into fourteen, matter of fact, most of the times I’ve ever used the phrase ‘I’ll just have one’ I’ve gone on three day benders where the number of drinks being had is pretty much uncountable.”
