A Shoreditch based drug dealer, entrepreneur and hipster is reportedly “cleaning up” after successfully marketing artisan, hand-pressed, craft ecstasy tablets to the London borough’s hipster population.
“I always did a steady trade on pills to my fellow hipsters around the area, they liked to take them in halves at Brandt Brauer Frick gigs and sway with their eyes closed before cycling to a friend’s house where they’d watch John Hughes’ movies ironically,” claimed 23-year-old dealer, Michael. “But I never really captured the market in the way that I wanted to because, let’s face it, people will buy off anyone.”
“Then, after a bit of market research which involved reading Vice and talking to a mate who went to art college, I started marketing the pills as home-made craft pills that I’d made myself in a co-opt ecstasy factory that I set up via Kickstarter,” he continued. “After that, people were queuing up to text me the phrase ‘you got any’ at 4 in the morning.”
“I’d print the word craft on the side of the pills and house them in baggies made with recycled plastic or a box of reclaimed materials like wicker, pewter or empty condoms,” explained Michael. “They lapped it up, complimenting me on my socially conscious business strategies while handing over their dole money.”
Michael claims that sales went through the roof as hipsters from across London bought into his “bespoke, 100% organic, gluten free, ecstasy experience”.
“I was able to charge a premium for my stuff, which they were happy to pay, as the pills were a symbol of their aspirations to be soft-left, eco-friendly tech entrepreneurs with a design bent.”
Michael says that, as he began to grow the market over time, he also started marketing his own hipster persona, going so far as to grow a moustache, a topknot hairstyle and some tattoos.
“I started carrying around a skateboard with me and a first generation ipod, one of which I don’t know how to use and the other one is broken,” he explained. “But they see these visual cues, think I’m one of them and buy my shit.”
