Calvin Harris has confirmed that he is set to headline Calvin Harris’s thoughts everyday for ever.
The news will come as a shock to Taylor Swift, who up until now had considered herself to be the headline to the Scottish EDM superstar’s thoughts.
“I must admit, I am kind of disappointed to find out that I’m not headlining Calvin’s thoughts,” revealed Swift earlier, “but having spent a lot of time with him recently I’m not really all that surprised.”
“There’s been so many times when I’ve been talking to him and he’ll just answer me with a random fact about himself that has nothing to do with what I was saying,” continued the Shake It Off singer. “He’ll just say things like ‘did you know that when I was twelve I was the first boy in my class to hit puberty?’ or ‘the interest on my bank accounts earn six times the average Britain wage in just one day’, real signs that he only ever thinks about himself.”
“I always thought that I was that special someone in his life,” explained Taylor, “but now I know I’m just the next Rita Ora or Ellie Goulding or Wolf from Gladiators. Another pop princess pawn in the Calvin Harris show. The sad truth of it is, Calvin already has that special someone in his life. It’s himself.”
Wunderground spoke to Harris about his latest headlining role, “Of course I’m headlining my own thoughts, I’m brilliant! Who else would I have to top the bill for me? I still think about other people some of the time, it’s just most of their lives are pathetic and boring, like me when I was younger, and they depress me and remind me that I wasn’t always this brilliant.”
