There was controversy and outrage outside Fabric London earlier this week as a group of techno fans were mistaken for a Hitler Youth group by over privileged Farringdon locals and subsequently rushed by a taskforce from the London Met.
Wunderground caught up with Pat Duggan, head of the Met’s Gangs And Organised Crime division, to find out how the case of mistaken identity came about.
“Well basically we’d had multiple reports from multiple middle class couples who live within inexplicably close proximity of the busy nightclub reporting large gatherings of largely Caucasian, po-faced young men. All identically dressed in smart yet extremely drab grey attire,” explained Mr Duggan whilst forcing a man from Peckham to put his prints on a bowie knife sheathed in a XXL Avirex jacket.
“As soon as we heard the description: Older white males with pencil moustaches dressed in identical grey uniforms, smoking woodbines and chatting about how Berlin isn’t as good as it used to be, we naturally sprang into action. Who else could it be other than a group of Nazis who slipped the Allied net circa 1945?”
“Turns out it was just a bunch of screen printers from Hackney Wick on a night out to see Jeff Mills…It was a complete tactical washout,” expounded Duggan with the look of a man whose Mum just got him a Uriah Heep album for his birthday when he’d asked for Mobb Deep.
“They weren’t on any proper drugs, believed in equality and didn’t even screen-print any offensive materials: Just faux spiritual quotes from beat poets and posters for their mates’ Korean streetfood stalls made on upcycled bits of crepe paper.”
“Admittedly we were already a little on edge; having just spent the entire previous week at the office fudging eye-witness reports, playing games of Medal Of Honour on a Playstation 2 and smoking a pound of resin we confiscated off some working class people,” reported Mr Duggan with the faraway look in his eye of someone who’d just been forced to sit through an entire night of alternative stand-up.
“…but that’s not the point. We have to treat all reports in affluent areas of London as top priority.”
“The next time it might be a real issue of national security. Like the call we’ve just received about a group of heavily tanned men wearing bath towels and lurking threateningly outside a chip shop Bradford.”
