Former Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has been confirmed to play back to back with a giant self-awarie onion at this year’s Lost Paradise Festival, taking place in the Glenworth Valley between the 29th and 31th of December.
Abbott, whose most notable achievement as Prime Minister was being filmed eating an onion, is said to “delighted to finally be working again” after an extended period of gardening leave since he was ousted by the Liberal Party in September.
“It’s fucking great to finally have some work mate,” claimed Abbott during a brief chat with Wunderground earlier today, “and I can’t really think of anyone I’d rather be working worth than a giant self-aware version of my favourite bulbous vegetable. It’ll also be the first time I’ve shared a stage with someone whose smell makes more people cry than my own.”
Festival organisers are believed to have spared no expense creating what is being billed as the greatest back to back partnership Australia has ever seen.
“We’re lucky to be working with some really great artists at this year’s festival,” claimed project manager Mike Irwin. “Guys like Jamie XX, John Hopkins and Four Tet have all agreed to take a significant pay cut so we could bring Mr. Abbot and the giant onion into the lineup.”
“Of course Abbot only cost us an eight pack of Fosters, two dozen normal sized onions and pack of porno playing cards,” revealed the Lost Paradise employee, “but a giant self-aware onion doesn’t come cheap. We’ve had to import it from David Guetta’s onion farm in France and perform a Frankensteinesque brain transplant to make it self aware.”
“Then we had to teach it how to DJ, which took nearly two weeks,” continued Mr. Irwin. “It was totally worth it though, he’s a fantastic DJ now, his sets are so layered. We really feel they’re going to be the highlight of the festival for a lot of people.”
Rumours emerging from within Lost Paradise suggest that the public will be encouraged to throw rotten vegetables at Mr. Abbott while he is performing, which, along with the giant onion, will be turned into a “lovely soup” to feed the festival staff after the performance.
