A study carried out by the University of Michigan claims that working with processed beats may significantly increase the risk of cancer.
Lead researcher and top scare mongerer Dr. Euell Dye explained the study’s findings, “We’ve been carrying out research on a number of music producers who work with various forms of digital production software and we’ve found them to be in the high risk category for contracting cancer.”
“They do also lead fairly indulgent lifestyles but, in this case, we’re going to assume it’s the processed beats. Processed stuff is very bad.”
The news comes just days after another study claimed that processed meats were also carcinogenic acting as a double blow for music producers all over the world, many of whom enjoy making music while eating bacon.
“I may as well just throw the towel in now,” sobbed pessimistic meat lover and music producer Brian Venison. “I’m doomed I’ve been processing beats and eating processed meats for years now. I’m probably riddled head to toe with cancer and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“I mean I could change my beat making process to some sort of analog system and become a vegetarian. But fuck that!” he continued while lighting a cigarette. “It just seem that, these days, everything fun is bad for you. We’re all doomed!”
“I wish I had been born twenty years ago when it was totally acceptable to make beats however the fuck you want and eat whatever the fuck you like without some snobby doctor telling you you’re going to die,” ranted Mr. Venison. “We’re all gonna kick the bucket anyway so why don’t they just leave us to do it in comfort.”
According to experts, sales of music production software and processed meats are set to drop significantly while mobile telephone, cigarettes and alcohol sales will remain steady.
