England’s favourite sex offender, George Michael, has reportedly left Berlin techno institute Berghain after spending seven hundred and thirty two consecutive days in the club’s notorious dark rooms.
Surviving on a diet of vodka and Red Bulls, poppers and semen the singer songwriter is believed to have “thoroughly enjoyed” his time in the club but is looking forward to returning to Britain to catch up with friends and family and wank in the public toilets on Hampstead Heath.
“I’m really looking forward to getting home and catching up with everything, I don’t even know who won the last election, I went to Berlin just over 2 years ago for a weekend and I’ve been downstairs in Berghain ever since,” explained a rather malnourished looking Mr. Michael. “It’s just so much fun down there I hardly noticed the time passing.”
“I’m not even really into techno or anything,,” continued Michael. “I just went to Berghain because someone once told me that downstairs was a little bit like one of my dinner parties, now, I will admit, my dinner parties make it look a little tame but it was still good fun, I’d easily spend another two or three years down there.”
“I am quite hungry after being down there with no solid food for two years, I ate a lot of meat but there’s no nourishment in giving head,” revealed Michael. “I’m just going to go to the hospital have my health checked out and then swing by Burger King for a Whopper and possibly some lewd behaviour in the toilets on my way to the airport.”
According to nutritionists, the singer was in a relatively healthy state despite having not eaten in over two years.
“Not a lot of people know this but semen is actually only 1% sperm, the rest is made up of various nutrients, proteins and vitamins,” explained Dr. Ita Lamb of London’s Health and Nutrition Institute. “You’d have to eat a lot of it to survive for two whole years but I don’t think that would be much of a problem for a guy like George in a place like Berghain, he’s actually in very good health and looking extremely trim.”
In related news, Michael Barrymore is believed to be hosting a one off pool party to welcome George Michael home, so far no one has RSVP’d.
