There have been cheers of joy across the nation today as NATO unveiled their plans to drop Suffolk born human gingham shirt and all round sodden mess Ed Sheeran on some of the most war torn and arid areas of the third world in a bid to “alleviate Britain of one of its greatest blights.”
The bold new plan came about as a response to the release of Sheeran’s “Wembley Edition” of sophomore album X, explains NATO head of operations Stuart Beresford.
“My eldest son, Tyson, asked for the Wembley Edition of Ed’s new album for Christmas, I’d never heard an Ed Sheeran record before but assumed the Wembley Edition would consist of racist chants, songs about drinking, Queen covers and the sound of Millwall fans getting bottled in carparks,” claimed Mr. Beresford earlier.
“Turns out it’s just some puffy faced human flan gazing at his naval and being all sensitive whilst dressed like a fourteen year old who just had his first Strongbow at Leeds Festival” exclaimed Mr. Beresford whilst pinning a fleet of die-cast Lancaster Bombers to a map of Berlin.
“I’ll be damned if I raised my son to be a liberal, ginger tolerating pansy. That’s not what we fought on the beaches of Normandy for all those years ago now is it?”
The plan has been lauded in almost all political corners as a stroke of genius, even garnering a surprising amount of support from conscientious charity groups such as professional guilt peddlers UNICEF.
UNICEF’s head of PR, Corrine Normcore, had this to say, “Most of those children have had to watch their families literally ripped to pieces by civil war and or UK sanctioned airstrikes and are currently learning their times tables in blast craters the size of Bono’s ego.”
“The last thing they need is some walking meme from 2014 dishing out acoustic covers of Skepta’s That’s Not Me like it’s the Yellow camping area at V Festival for fuck sake,” continued Ms Normcore, with tears welling in her eyes like she just watched one of her own fundraiser appeal videos.
“In saying that the last thing I need this Christmas Day is my ten year old son dishing out covers of Ed Sheeran dishing out covers of old grime tunes to prove he’s not some sort of major label whipping boy. So maybe Syria can just take one for the team on this year. They do say Christmas is the time for giving.”
