CHURCH CLOSED INDEFINITELY AS ALTAR BOY SLIPS INTO COMA
St. Brigid’s Church in Castlecoote, Roscommon, has been forced to close its doors to the public after a rabid Nun was discovered defecating in the baptismal fountain on Sunday morning.
According to Garda reports, the feral Nun, who cannot be named for legal reasons, sprang from the shadows and savagely assaulted a learning disabled altar boy about an hour before noon services. Despite receiving severe lacerations to the inner thigh and scrotum, the boy somehow managed to escape the Nun’s clutches and raise the alarm.
It was at this point that local parish representatives attempted to open lines of communication with the unwanted guest, but their pleas for a peaceful resolution fell on deaf ears.
As the trauma stricken altar boy dry heaved into a frayed collection cap, the enraged Nun defiantly exposed herself to two priests and a bishop, before squatting atop the altar to deposit a large quantity of gooey foulness into the font.
Armed Animal Welfare workers descended on the church within minutes of being summoned, but before sharpshooters had the opportunity to take the Nun down with tranquilizer darts, the fleeing beast knocked herself unconscious on a discarded shovel.
The concuss Nun was immediately taken to a nearby veterinary clinic for evaluation, where she was later destroyed.
The altar boy was rushed to Roscommon hospital, where he currently remains in a comatose but stable condition.
In light of the harrowing events, the church has been boarded up indefinitely.
‘It was such an awful thing that happened.’ Local Bishop John Dempsey said, ‘I don’t think any of us could set foot in that church again. At least until the fountain is cleaned.’
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