A greedy man at a house party has claimed that he was “not getting anything off that MDMA” in a pathetic attempt to take more of the drug than anybody else at the party.
Witnesses claimed that the man, a local “nobhead named Alex”, made the claims while “lying on the ground and talking to himself with his eyes rolling into the back of his head”.
“It was clear that the MDMA definitely was having an effect on him,” explained house owner Charlie Stone. “First off, it was banging gear, I got it off my mate Dave who always has top notch stuff and, secondly, the lad went full retard, he was talking to the walls, licking the floor and his jaw was swinging like Lindsay Lohan at an anonymous celebrity sex party. There’s no way he wasn’t getting a buzz of it.”
“Everybody around here knows that Alex is a total leech,” claimed Charlie, who claims to be “Charlie by name and Charlie by nature”. “The only reason he was saying he wasn’t feeling anything off it is because he’s a greedy cunt and he was worried that the bag wouldn’t make it around to him again later on at the party. Honestly, he’s the kind of lad who’ll take a fag off you and put it into his own fag box so I wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d taken another dab and wrapped it up in a bit of tin foil for later on.”
“We just laughed at him and told him to fuck off,” revealed Charlie, “but he kept asking and asking, eventually we got bored of it so we got a couple of grams of rock salt put a little bit of lemon juice on it and told him he could have as much as wanted, the greedy prick must’ve dipped his finger in honey because when he took a dab he walked away with about a gram stuck to the end of it.”
“After that he started saying things like ‘I’m really feeling that now boys’ and ‘oi oi that mandy’s rocket fuel’,” continued Mr. Stone. “We grew tired of him after a while so we told him if he went to the shop to buy fags we’d give him a big line of coke for the walk. He agreed, so we racked him up a big line and pushed him out the door, only thing was it wasn’t a line of coke, it was a mixture of ketamine and 2cb. Needless to say he didn’t make it back to the party.”
According to local sources, Alex was later seen straddling a stray dog, swinging an inflatable hammer above his head and shouting at pedestrians to “get out of [his] way” or else he’d “chop their heads off” because he was the “king of the world”.
