Following the cataclysmic failure of his action figure, Dutch DJ Hardwell has announced a new line of life sized Hardwell sex dolls.
Desperate to move into the merchandise business after losing his DJ Mag Number 1 DJ spot to Belgian fuck sticks Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike, Hardwell, real name Robbert van de Corput, believes “some sort of doll” is the perfect way to boost his ailing revenue streams.
“Losing out on the number one spot of DJ Mag’s Top 100 DJs has put a real dent in my finances,” confirmed the DJ earlier. “I’m still number two but there’s a massive difference in the fees you can demand between first and second place, I’ve had to cut back on buying one new cars to once a month and downgrade my yacht from a three hundred to a two hundred footer. At this rate, I’ll be lucky if I’m able to afford Beluga caviar, black watermelons or truffle and saffron infused foie gras to eat this time next week.”
“I really thought the doll I released just before Christmas would be my ticket back to the high life,” continued Hardwell, best known looking like the love child of Leo Messi and a horse. “But it turns out that kids don’t want a doll that just stands there with its hands in the air, which is really weird because, from my experience, slightly older kids do want a DJ that just stands there with his hands in the air. The only difference is the older kids are on drugs but when I suggested putting some drugs in with the dolls I was shot down. Apparently, it’s unethical to give six to twelve year old drugs, whoever said that has obviously never been to the Netherlands.”
“The natural progression from the children’s’ doll was an adults’ doll,” continued van de Corput. “I thought most adults played with Barbies, like me, but it turns out they don’t, apparently the only dolls adults play with these days are sex dolls so I decided I’d make one of them. It’s going to be fully life sized but obviously, the rumours you’ve heard are true, so I’ve had to be very generous in the trouser department.”
“Now I’m really hopeful that I’ll be able to sell a doll that just sits there with its hands in the air, as well as numerous other positions, while you bounce around on its over sized rubber cock, what’s not to like?”
Experts are predicting that Hardwell’s latest line of adult toys are destined for failure after a recent survey confirmed that ninety nine percent of the world’s population would rather contract aids, peel their skin off and spend the remainder of their lives in a vat of lemon juice and vinegar, than have sex with an inflatable rubber version of the Dutch DJ.
