A man who recently washed his hands after using the bathroom in a nightclub has confirmed that he only did so because the toilet attendant was looking.
Patrick Clinton, a twenty one year old apprentice carpenter from Cork, Ireland, claimed that he has a “unique hands free technique” that allows him to relieve himself without having to wash his hands afterwards. However, during a recent visit to the city’s Voodoo Rooms nightclub, the young man felt obliged to wash up due to the toilet attendant’s watchful gaze.
“Usually I just hang my langer out of my fly and let gravity take care of business,” explained Mr. Clinton during a chat with Wunderground. “It’s a great way to piss, you just give a little swivel of the hips at the end to get rid of any drippage and your done, there’s been no contact made between the penal area and the hands so you’re free to leave without washing, it’s a real time saver.”
“That’s pretty much how I go eighty percent of the time, it really depends on having good access in your boxer shorts,” continued Clinton, an avid bidet user. “The way I see it, unless I’m wanking or showering, the less contact made with down there the better. I’ve spent a lot of time developing my technique and I’m quite proud of it so it’s a real pain in the hole when I have to either touch my prick when pissing or wash my hands afterwards.”
“I was in the Voodoo Rooms there last week and I’d just been in the toilet, simultaneously pissing and snorting coke, another benefit of the hands free system,” revealed Clinton. “When I got out of the cubicle the attendant was just staring at me, I walked towards him and he pressed the button on the tap to turn the water on. I had no choice but to wash my hands, his eyes were burning into me like two little pieces of judgmental coal, and to top it of I had to give him €2 at the end of it all. Its daylight robbery, at night.”
“I was in and out of the toilet all night and he got me every time,” he continued. “I must have spent about €15 unnecessarily washing my hands, it was a total disaster. I was going to explain to him that I was going no handed but it was pointless, he was an African so he was most likely packing some serious heat in the trouser department, if he was to try piss with no hands it would be like turning on a firehose without a fireman holding the nozzle, there’d be piss everywhere, so he wouldn’t of understood.”
According to reports from the bathroom, Mr Clinton returned at the end of the night and sprayed a “full bottle of deodorant and five different types of aftershave” on himself, as well as taking “four Chupa Chups lollies”, an “entire pack of chewing gum” and three “big gulps” of Listerine in an attempt to “get his money’s worth” from his trips to the toilet.
