A bedroom dubstep producer who earlier today was found claiming on social media that “the heads aren’t even ready for this new tune I’m about to drop; I’ve spent six hours building this snare!” has been left shame faced once again after the tune in question turned out to be what critics, the general public and, somewhat unbelievably, even the A&Rs of Firepower Records are dubbing “complete and utter shit”
Stuart Hamstead of Chipping Norton, aged fifteen, is a regular contributor to social media platforms such as Twitter and Facebook; regularly reposting memes of people dancing comically to bad brostep remixes or voicing opinions of little or no actual insight whilst trumpeting the supposed values of such fictional genres as Glitchstep, Techstep and Riddim to name but three of his most popular hashtags.
However as recently as three days ago Mr Hamstead downloaded a cracked copy of popular music production software Ableton Live and, since this time, has almost completely ceased posting both the aforementioned and badly edited videos of his Call Of Duty killstreaks.
He has instead started complaining about the underuse of “proper wubs” in most Deep Medi releases (a label which sources close to Mr Hamstead claim he’d definitely never heard of before “some point around lunchtime”) whilst also endlessly bestowing the virtues of “getting face punch level bass” with the use of sidechaining and braying like a twat about his EQing abilities.
Wunderground spoke to Elisa Hamstead, Stuart’s mum, for her take on the rapidly swelling ego of her obviously disillusioned son.
“Oh it’s just fucking ridiculous. He’s been up there on that laptop for literally about half and hour now and from what I can tell he’s just tweaking the same snare either up or down a percent of a decibel every few minutes and pretending he can tell the difference… It’s more self-absorbed than Bono wearing a life-like latex Bono mask in a 3rd world house of mirrors!” Mrs Hamstead exclaimed with an air of desperation akin to a Wu-Tang Clan member’s tax advisor.
“It pains me to have to do it, but I’m really only left with one solution: we’re going to have to try and get him a booking for a dubstep night in London as soon as possible so he can see that financially it’s a career path really not worth pursuing anymore… With any luck he’ll just quietly go back to watching Manga and aggressively masturbating.”
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