God has this morning put the collective minds of EDM superstars at rest by confirming that he won’t be taking the lives of any EDM legends this year, for the simple reason that they do not exist.
Paranoia has spread through the ranks of EDM’s elite in recent months, who somehow see themselves in the same bracket as influential musicians such as David Bowie and Prince, both of whom tragically passed away earlier this year.
“I’d just like to make it clear that EDM artists like David Guetta and Steve Aoki have absolutely nothing to worry about in 2016,” revealed God earlier. “I brought Frankie Knuckles on board as Musical Director of Heaven back in 2014 and we decided that we needed to bring a few legends on board to make it a bit more heavenly up here.”
“We’ve had a good recruitment drive this year and we’re now happy that we’ve got a solid team to work with,” continued the celestial being. “We’ve only brought in legends and people whose musical legacy will live on on Earth, even if they’re no longer around. Fortunately for EDM artist, none of them have had that kind of influence on music. To be honest with you, I’m not even sure who most of them are and I supposedly know everything.”
In related news, in an attempt to keep Kanye West out of heaven the rapper has been given “cat status” by heavenly authorities and will now have to be killed nine times before he can gain entry through the pearly gates.
