A research study, carried out by the International Alliance of Useless Objects, has found that the only practical use left for CD cases is as a flat surface for doing out lines.
The study’s results found that CD cases were completely obsolete in 9,999 out of a 10,000 random everyday scenarios, with a flat surface for doing out lines the only instance where the CD case came in useful.
“Obviously holding CDs is no longer a practical use for CD cases, even though everybody has some, CDs are really just a waste of time now,” explained lead researcher Charlie Stripe. “We put the cases through a series of stringent tests and almost every time they came up completely useless. They’re too weak to put under something, too big for a coaster and you just can’t throw them in a straight line, they’re literally one of the most useless objects in the world, like Dan Bilzerian or vegan cheese.”
“Take this case for example,” he said while showing us a battered CD case. “This case was made for Calvin Harris’s 2014 album Motion. The only thing more worthless than this case is the CD that’s inside it, which actually has no practical use. If it wasn’t for the fact that the cases are perfectly flat and just the right size for chopping out a few slugs we’d be lobbying to have them removed from society immediately, but while they’re still handy for drug use we’re happy enough to leave them where they are, for now.”
According to Mr Stripe, other objects which have limited practical uses include; Danniella Westbrook’s nose, porno magazines(now mostly used to kill wasps) and Steve Aoki’s home recording studio.
