An unlikely merger has been announced this week between controversial rapper Azealia Banks and Save The Children, with the Chasing Time star being revealed as the face of their new charity single for Syrian refugees.
Banks, fifth cousin of equally infamous pornstar, Brianna, has been given an unlikely opening in her hectic summer schedule following her being axed from Rinse FM’s Born and Bred Festival lineup. Wunderground can reveal, after a rapid refurbishment of Azealia’s PR team, they’ve managed to pip Mutya Buena, her main rival for the ambassadorial role, to what is being touted on some social media feeds as “the billion dollar busk”.
“It’s never been a more exciting time for Azealia,” claimed her new agent, Katie Hopkins. “She is literally hotter than a Vindaloo at the minute. We know what she said about Zayn Malik was a bit out of line, especially calling him a refugee, but people have to realise there was a hidden meaning in all of this. All she wanted to do was give exposure to the thousands of poor people currently fleeing war zones who can’t even get onto YouTube to listen to her tunes. That’s the biggest crime in all this war stuff. Deep down, Azealia’s biggest concern has, and always will be, the children.”
It all kicked off between Zayn, now embarking on his solo career with the alias One Erection, and Banks on twitter this week, with her claiming he had “mood-boarded” her in the video of his new track, Like I Would. In an amazing leap to his defence, Eminem has today weighed in to stand up for the Yorkshireman.
“Bitch be tripping,’ Claimed Marshall. “She can’t talk about no mood-boarding or copycatting bullshit. She clearly got the idea for 212 from watching 8-mile.”
Eminem then proceeded into a fifteen minute rendition of the first two lines of the movie’s final battle scene with Papa Doc – “Now everbody from the 313… put your motherfuckin’ hands up and follow me”.
“I’ll tell you one thing for sure. It’s open-mic down at the Shelter tomorrow night. Maybe I should invite the bitch down, then we’ll see how big her mouth is.”
Meanwhile, we did manage to get in contact with one Syrian refugee family as they landed off the coast of Kos, Greece. We were equally as confused as them when they were completely clueless as to who One Direction were. Especially after we caught Nikos a bit further up the bay selling replica 1D rubber-dingy’s.
is this satire?