Showering while on site at a music festivals has officially been declared cheating, according to one smelly festival crusty.
Thirty eight year old Phil T. Hoare claims that you “can’t embrace the full festival spirit” if you wash yourself or change your clothes during the festival and that “only people who go the entire weekend without washing truly enjoy the festival”.
“I’m seeing all of these fancy new festivals, with their boutique camping and baths and hot tubs and you know what? They make me fucking sick!” ranted the dreadlocked crusty earlier. “Festivals aren’t about being clean and comfortable, if that’s what you wanted you may as well have gone and stayed in a B&B somewhere, they’re about getting fucked up, losing your inhibitions and possibly shitting your pants while drunk on extra strong cider.”
“Honestly, the crowd that’s attending festivals nowadays are so concerned with how they look that I’m not even sure if they’re enjoying themselves,” continued Mr Hoare. “They don’t realise that if they just forget about how they look and stop updating their Facebook profiles they’ll have a much better time. I stopped caring about my appearance in 1993 and I haven’t regretted the decision once.”
Mr Hoare continued to explain that seeing “young cunts” emerging fresh from the showers at festivals make him feel “physically sick”, which, incidentally, is the exact same reaction seeing Hoare’s appearance has on the very same young cunts.
“The festival was great, the music, the facilities, everything was top notch,” said twenty three year old Meredith Smith. “The only bad thing was when some homeless guy started shouting at me as I was coming out of the showers. I’m not sure how he even got in there but he smelled really badly of rollies and piss so I just threw a pound at him and ran off, but apart from that the whole weekend was brilliant.”
