Twenty nine year old DJ Steven “Slow Jamz” Smith refuses to admit that the well versed excuse “you’re only young once” is finally beginning to wear thin as he approaches his thirties.
“I’ve used the excuse to get me out of all sorts of shit since I was about seventeen. Wonga loan debts, not turning up to work after four day benders, unplanned pregnancies, you know, all the usual hilarious shenanigans a lad about the town might get up to,” Steven chuckled whilst plucking a greasy grey hair from his unshaven double chin.
“Some of my friends are starting to settle down and get married, have kids and tell me they are happy with their dumb mortgages. But are they really happy? I’m the biggest fucking R&B DJ in Tamworth. I own one of those mental hover board things, I customise my own vapes and I’ve got my nose pierced, I’m a rock star baby, I know what life is really about”.
Chantal Matthews, Steven’s eighteen year old girlfriend, explained, “It’s so fucking embarrassing! He reckons he’s off to South America to DJ at all the biggest clubs whilst he is ‘young and has no responsibilities’. I used to think he was cool when we got together a few years ago. I got free VIP entry to the club and bottles of that fake champagne shit. The sooner he realises that the world is bigger than Staffordshire, and that he is possibly the biggest twat we have in this shithole county, the better.”
Friends have pointed out that Steven is no longer nineteen years old and that it is probably time to replace the irresponsibility, vests and snapbacks with some sensible garms and a more sustainable attitude to life.
Steven has recently replaced his usual phrase with “you only live once” as it doesn’t have age limitations attached to it.
