The latest report from the International Drugs and Alcohol Association, or the IDAA, has confirmed that heroin is, in fact, great for taking the edge off.
IDAA spokesman Pete Doherty claims that heroin is so effective at taking the edge off that he can often be left “totally edgeless” after prolonged heroin use.
Wunderground spoke to The Libertines front man earlier today, “Oh yeah heroin is definitely up there with the best of edge removers. You’ve basically got industrial lathes, disc grinders, sandpaper and then heroin. There’s nothing quite like a quick spike of brown after a hard day’s work to completely take the edge off.”
“I sometimes feel like a football bobbing up and down in the murky canal of society after I take a little bit of smack, that’s how edgeless it gets me,” he continued poetically. “Sometimes, I get so circular that I feel like a round peg being pushed through a square hole by a baby, full of the joys of life and wrapped in a merino wool blanket with nothing but the nourishing thought of a mother’s nipple occupying their mind, but that’s just me I guess.”
According to the report, heroin has now overtaken old edge removing favourites such as whiskey, pot and Valium as the world’s most effective edge remover.
“Heroin is making a real comeback,” claimed TV chef Jamie Oliver. “Modern society, the financial crisis, austerity and government’s shitting all over citizens have really led to some extra edgy edges being formed this year. The old edge removers just don’t cut the mustard these days so it’s no surprise to see heroin featuring so prominently. I’m actually just about to launch a new ‘Cooking With Smack‘ cookbook that’ll feature a shit load of really easy recipes, all containing smack and makeable in under thirty minutes.”
