An entire squad is in mourning this afternoon after one of Britain’s top lads died of, what doctors are calling, a banter overdose.
James “Jimmy” Loftus is believed to have suffered a “banter fuelled cardiac arrest” after finding himself at the center of a “banter shitstorm” shortly before midday.
“I still can’t believe Jimmy’s gone,” claimed fellow squad member Nev. “He was such a top lad, a real pucka bloke, and a lot of the younger lads from the squad really looked up to him. It’s going to take us a long time to get over this but we’re a good squad and I’m sure a few Saturday afternoons down the Black Lion watching footie will get us through.”
“Banter’s great fun but people don’t warn you that it’s dangerous,” revealed Nev. “What happened today was definitely a once in a lifetime event. We was sitting in the park eating our Tesco meal deals and randomly shouting stuff at people when, all of a sudden, a gay bloke, a bird with really big tits, a refugee and an old geezer in a wheelchair all walked by at exactly the same time.”
“Everyone was just shocked to see all those possible banter targets in the one place and at the same time,” continued Nev. “Jimmy, being the top lad that he was, was never going to let that kind of opportunity for some top class bants go by and, at first, it was all going fine, he was coming out with some real top quality banter and then, out of nowhere, this pregnant teenager appeared. It was all too much for Jimmy, there was just too much banter, his heart just couldn’t take it.”
“He collapsed and died right there in front of us,” revealed Nev, who was struggling to fight back tears because “only softies cry”. “The doctors said that we probably could have resuscitated him with some simple CPR but there was no way any of us was giving him mouth to mouth, we’re not bloody poofs.”
