The H. J. Heinz Company, also known as Heinz, has announced it is to release a limited edition range of their world famous tomato Ketchup, which will include popular party drug ketamine as a key ingredient – re-branding the sauce “Ket-chup”.
Owners of the popular red condiment see this as a way to increase market share, claiming life is no longer a “two horse race” between Heinz ketchup and HP brown sauce, like it was in the eighties.
“Over the past decade we’ve lost a generation of younger users to those silly hipster upstarts, sweet chilli and BBQ sauce,” announced Heinz spokesperson, Jeffrey Donovan. “We feel by adding ketamine into the first phase of food preparation, it will offer a brand new dining experience. People can now enjoy their hot dogs and burgers as if they are sitting on the moon or in a completely parallel universe. They can begin the meal of sound mind, and end it by not recognising their family and losing the ability to talk. It is a very exciting time for all of us involved in this project.”
Wunderground spoke to the PR team at Club Ketamine to ask what they think of this joint venture, “It’s definitely a win-win,” said Natalie Jessop. “For a long time ket, the drug, has been languishing behind cocaine in the popularity stakes. We want to establish it as the go-to drug for your local builder, city bankers, yuppies, and every type of day to day person, you know, all those people who turn to coke whilst out on the piss.”
“By teaming up with ketchup, who have had a hard time of it competing with hot pepper sauce or curry sauce, we think a unified ket-approach will win a whole new customer base, increase popularity and put us top of the food chain, literally,” confirmed Natalie.
The sauce is expected to hit the shelves of ASDA, Tesco and Sainsbury’s this winter, being sold strictly to over eighteens.
