Rough Trade sensationally announced earlier today that, with immediate effect, they will be ceasing to sell anything in their stores other than overpriced coffee, organic hummus and “the odd bit” of endlessly repetitive techno in a bid to retain “the only cunts left in the UK with any disposable income”.
It’s a shocking move but economic annalists predict that most smaller chains will soon be forced to follow suit or risk closure themselves.
We spoke to Theresa-May Kingdoe, one of Rough Trade’s chief miserly bean counters, for more details on the controversial decision.
“It became apparent shortly after every club in London was scapegoated and shut down by local councils who spend 90% of their day with property developers’ hands up their arses, like characters from some macabre caviar drenched Rainbow remake, that basically there’s now no-one left who needs to buy music to DJ,” explained Ms Kindgoe whilst trying to frantically buff the Moet spills from her shoulder padded Versace smoking jacket.
“Not only have all the DJs signed on or become B&Q kitchen fitters but the common masses who might have had a musical awakening at, say, Fabric, are instead quite happily pacified wanking to Rihanna lookalikes on Pornhub and watching such televisual flotsam as Britain’s Got Talent.”
“The only people left with any discernible income are the hipster middle classes, primarily user interface designers and travel bloggers.” Continued Ms Kingdoe as she skinned a plumber from Burnley to make a new pair of flyknit moccasins.
“As much as they harp on about supporting independent artists and shunning big corporations, all they really give a shit about is Instagramming cups of coffee and the sound of their own voices.”
“So we basically took all the record shelves out other than the techno ones, replaced them with a Costa coffee machine with the branding stripped off, did a bulk buy of Sainsburys hummus and bought 2000 copies of whatever shit Resident Advisor just did a twelve paragraph review of.” Ms Kingdoe went on.
“Techno and hummus is the perfect foil for these types, the incessant drone of those trudging twelve minute loops actually harmonises perfectly with their bullshit conversation about carbon neutral bike tires and none of them can taste the fucking difference because their taste buds are all fucked from smoking Lucky Strike.”
“In sales it’s what we call a ‘Fish In A Barrel’ strategy.”
