A local promoter has revealed he is to replace confetti cannons with ketamine cannons at his next event, in a hope it will appease his “angry” deep house crowd, following a “fuck up” last time around.
Thirty six year old Jesse Styles, from Essex, England, is said to be “extremely keen” to give his punters a “night to remember for the right reasons”, following the calamitous booking of an EDM DJ the previous month.
“Last time out I booked some dodgy scandinavian EDM DJ who went down like a sack of shit,” revealed Jesse. “This clown was wearing a fluorescent pink top, standing on his decks, continuously fist-pumping, shouting shit into a megaphone, and throwing glowsticks at the ravers. I don’t think he realised it wasn’t a bunch of fifteen year olds he was playing to or that every single person was wearing black and had no interest in being happy, upbeat, hearing the latest Hardwell remix of Taylor Swift or listening to drop after drop after drop.”
“They wanted a pitch black room and lots of ketamine,” continued Jesse. “So I’m delighted to say I’ve learnt from my mistake. It appears nobody in the deep house scene is willing to give EDM the time of day. They don’t care about production, visuals or entertainment, and they fucking hate the DJ talking over the music. They just want drugs. Drugs, drugs, drugs and more drugs. Now I know this, next event will be on point.”
Wunderground caught up with twenty one year old Taylor Jackson, who is willing to give Jesse’s event a second try following the promise of free ket, “That’s what I’m talking about,” said a giddy Taylor. “All I want is to get so out of my nut that I don’t know what planet I’m on. This k-cannon will be epic. It will save me so much time. Usually I have to check every pocket seventeen times before I find my silly little bag. Then it takes about an hour trying to get a bit onto my key. Now all I’ll have to do is stick my nose in the air every few minutes when this cannon goes off. I can’t fucking wait.”
