NASA scientists have today announced the discovery of an alternate universe in which characterless, beige fuckwits like Calvin Harris “can command absurdist fees, sometimes over million a set” and regularly top the charts both at home in the UK and abroad.
We spoke to NASA’s chief of theoretical quantum physics, Sir Vivian Daily, about the potentially reality shattering find, “Well initially we assumed it must have been a mistake, a power surge in our sensors’ microprocessors or one our researchers attempting to complete his daily responsibilities after a particularly unwieldy 2CB binge, but sadly every subsequent test produced the same results,” explained Sir Daily with the shame faced look of a man who just got caught buying two VIP passes to an Aviici show.
“No matter how many improbable theories we programmed into the computer or how many times we unplugged it and plugged it back in again the damn thing still said that a milk faced entertainment vacuum like Calvin Harris could successfully achieve seven UK number ones, at least twenty one UK Top tens and a myriad of fit girlfriends, regardless of the fact he physically resembles a Pot Noodle that’s been poured onto a plate.”
For the sake of validity and scientific integrity, Wunderground also consulted a team of experts who work closely with Dr Stephen Hawkins for their take on this potentially endgame scenario, with the findings appearing worryingly similar.
“Yes we can confirm that our tests also found with worrying levels of consistency that there may indeed be another reality where people will happily pay upwards of one hundred pounds to see life sized, pickled-vagina replica Calvin Harris in concert,” admitted one of Mr Hawkins closest aides.
“Worse still, we have also ascertained that in this abhorrent parallel universe the average twenty year old would rather pay FOUR English pounds for a coffee than a pint, the X-Factor is somehow still one of the most popular shows on national television and in central London students and struggling artists are happy pay upwards of seven hundred pounds a month to live in the damp hollows underneath where fun nightclubs used to exist.”
“Dr Hawkins has been inconsolable since the moment of the discovery. Last we saw of him he bombed a whole bag of ket in his last tin of Kestrel and went to his study saying ‘he might be some time’.”
