In breaking news, a late night tough guy, who spends his weekends “necking Stella and starting fights”, has sensationally been exposed as a “total pussy”.
Martin Winston, from Peterborough, England, was outed as a pussy after he was confronted by a gang of twelve year old boys yesterday afternoon in a dispute over the ownership of a £5 note.
“Normally I would have just battered them,” claimed Winston earlier. “But there were so many of them, I just had to let them go. Plus, I’m a bit of a beast and I could do some real damage to a gang of of twelve year olds, even if there were about thirty of them and I don’t want my street brawler reputation to be damaged by being known as the lad who batters little boys. You know what I mean?”
Eyewitness Frank Pearce spoke to Wunderground, “I seen that lad who’s always starting fights outside the chippy drop a fiver yesterday while he was out walking his sausage dog,” confirmed Pearce. “These young lads, I think there was two of them, picked it up and the lairy bloke went over and asked for it back.”
“I was thinking these two little guys better hand it over or they’ll take a bit of punishment here, on account of the bloke having a bit of a rep as a scapper and that, but the two little lads just laughed at him, gave him the finger and fucked off into Tesco and came out with a meal deal each five minutes later. Then they stood outside taking pictures of each other holding their meal deals for about twenty minutes. They must have been putting them upon that Meal Deal Talk group on Facebook. Innit.”
“I guess that tough guy isn’t so tough after all,” concluded Pearce. “Come to think of it, I’ve seen him mouthing off hundreds of times but I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen him in a fight. Next time he’s causing trouble outside Chicken Hut I think I’ll give him a slap, just for the laugh.”
Reports confirmed that both twelve year olds were “well and truly roasted” on Meal Deal Talk and it is highly likely that both of their dads sell Avon.
