Becoming a DJ is now the best option for people with a failed music career, according to nasal voiced half-wit Dane Bowers.
The former Another Level band member, Bowers, best known for acting as a human dildo for potato sack impersonator Katie Price, has had a number of failed attempts at the music industry and now finds himself with a number of mediocre DJ residencies in Ibiza and Magaluf.
“I’ve been around the block that’s for sure,” admitted Bowers during a chat with Wunderground. “I think the moment I knew music wasn’t for me was the first time I heard my collaboration with True Steppers and Posh Spice on the radio. What an utter pile of shit that was.”
“I did my bit alright but that skinny bitch was really terrible,” continued Bowers. Of course she had nothing to worry about, she was bouncing on Beckham’s dick and was loaded because of it, but she finished my career as a singer right off. Still though, it wasn’t all bad, I caught a glimpse of her snatch on the video set, had it in the bank ever since,” he added with a nod and a wink.
“I tried everything to get back on track after that, even shagging Jordan couldn’t save my career,” he revealed. “I hit rock bottom, my life descended into a spiral of Muller Fruit Corner yoghurts and wanking to daytime TV, it was alright for the first six or seven years but then one morning I woke up and realised I was eighteen stone and hadn’t shagged a bird since 2008. It was shocking, I’d put on almost half a stone.”
“I knew something had to change, that’s when I got into DJing,” explained the man once referred to as “The new Brian Harvey”. “It’s the best thing I’ve ever done mate, it’s easy, the money’s Ok if you subsidise it with your giro and the birds, let me tell you, they’re amazing, they’re not quite as classy as Jordan but they’ll let you do pretty much anything to them.”
“I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to find my true calling in life, but I’m just grateful that I finally did.”
