A man who spent forty days and forty nights on the sesh has told close friends that he now believes he is the son of God.
According to Mark Reynolds, a twenty-six-year-old drug dealer, God, in the form of a dog, spoke to him during his fortieth consecutive night on the sesh and told him he was the reincarnated son of god, destined to save all humanity.
“It’s a funny old world,” Reynolds told Wunderground earlier today. “One minute you’re selling a bit of ket and sniff and getting on the bag for forty days and forty nights, then, the next, you’re talking to a ten thousand year old labrador who tells you you’re the son of your God and it’s your responsibility to lead the righteous to paradise. It just goes to show you never know what’s around the corner.”
“I’m not really at liberty to talk about exactly what the dog told me,” continued Reynolds. “But, basically, I’m gonna be acting as a middleman between the mortals and the immortals, a bit like I currently act as a middleman between the drug cartels and the sesh heads, they’ve probably earmarked me for this role because they’ve seen how good I am at my current job.”
“I suppose I just sit around waiting for Judgement Day now, I reckon I’ll know exactly what to do when the time comes,” explained the self-titled son of god. “I’m pretty sure the dog gave a detailed account of what my actual duties are but I was off my chops and I can’t remember any of it. Fuck it though, I’m Christ reincarnate, how hard can it be?”
“I’ll just stick to selling drugs while I’m waiting,” he claimed. “I’m hoping to perform my first miracle later on tonight by turning a kilo of flour into a kilo of cocaine, no harm in having a few quid to help out with the apocalypse.”
Church sources have categorically denied Mr Reynold’s claims, insisting that there is no way Christ would choose to communicate through the medium of a talking dog in this day and age and would be far more likely to use social media to contact humans.
