Popular celebrity gardener Alan Titchmarsh has reportedly been arrested after being discovered with, what police are describing as, Britain’s biggest ever weed farm.
According to the Metropolitan Police, Mr Titchmarsh was arrested in a property in Ealing, West London, which contained over seven thousand Cannabis plants.
“This was definitely the biggest and most sophisticated weed farm we’ve ever come across,” claimed Constable Derek Chambers. “Alan Titchmarsh is pretty much to weed what Walter White is to crystal meth. He’s using cultivation methods that we didn’t even know existed.”
Sources within Titchmarsh’s camp have claimed that the gardener was forced to turn to the underworld after TV offers dried up when the public discovered he was “actually a bit of a dick”.
“Alan really got a taste for the high life during the Ground Force days,” revealed the source. “He developed a strange habit that involved eating rare and expensive flowers, it sounds kind of funny but it’s actually a horrible affliction. Himself and Charlie Dimmock were eating hundreds of pounds worth of flowers every day.”
“Charlie managed to kick the habit but Alan wasn’t so lucky, he’s been eating ten black roses a day for the last fifteen years. He had no choice but to start growing weed.”
Experts claim that Titchmarsh’s farm may have yielded a mammoth harvest of over one ton of marijuana every six months which, according to police, has a street value of up to one billion pounds.
