North Korean despot, cheese-aficionado and self confessed Cher fan, Kim Jong-Un today announced his intentions to “turn back time” by 30 minutes this August.
Representatives from North Korea’s national news agency claimed that Kim has been a huge Cher fan ever since he began buying the same plastic he needs for his WMDs that Cher uses for her face.
“Our Glorious Leader likes many Western entertainers like the actor who plays Donald Trump, mouthy celeb chef Gordon Ramsey and especially Cher,” read a statement. “He always listens to her back catalog when he’s having seditious citizens elaborately executed with ground to air artillery.”
“Sometimes, he’ll be raging against Western sanctions, eating Gouda cheese by the handful and having a lovers’ tiff with Dennis Rodman,” continued the statement. “And the only thing that will calm him down and ensure he only has one innocent civilian petulantly murdered for a perceived slight is listening to Cher on repeat.”
The statement continued by saying that Kim didn’t think much of Sonny Bonno but loves all other aspects of Cher’s career including her terrible films and Do You Believe In Life After Love?
“Often, we’ll find Kim, looking at himself in the mirror, mouthing the words to I Got You Babe while smearing fondue on his balls and cavorting sexually,” claimed a witness. “That’s how into Cher he is, so when he got the idea for turning back time to commemorate Korean independence I knew it was thanks to his love for Cher.”
Reports claim that, to commemorate turning back time, Kim will erect a lifesize statue of Cher in Pyongang Square complete with elaborately coiffed hair, inappropriate leather lingerie and a button that emits an autotuned salute to Kim’s rule that will actually be more of a personality than the real Cher.
