Britain’s favourite anachronistic, crown-wearing waving woman, Queen Elizabeth II, has taken time out of her busy schedule of opening supermarkets and ignoring institutional child abuse to host a techno party to celebrate her securing the longest reign in royal history.
On reaching the “achievement” of being the longest reigning monarch, Queen Elizabeth II, announced that world famous DJ and producer, Dave Clarke, recently given the official title ‘The Baron of Techno’, will be headlining the celebrations at Balmoral castle.
Wunderground caught up with The Queen and Prince Philip during an early morning fox hunt to talk about the their upcoming celebratory night where the newly titled Baron was on the roster.
“The service that Baron Clarke has provided to the electronic and techno music industry is unrivaled and adored by fans old and young around the world,” says Liz, sipping a can of red stripe and dabbing away drool from Philip’s open mouth which had dripped out during a racist epithet. “His performance skills and tune selection are worthy of an Honour alone. I can’t wait for his set, it’ll allow me to wear a nifty hat and lash into a bag of mandy.”
“Just when you think his sets can’t get any more nails, BOSH! Proper nosebleed shit,” gushed the Queen while brandishing a bloodied tissue from an earlier techno nosebleed.
“There’s not many acts I can say that about. Look at some of the so-called DJs they have now out there. Avicii, Guetta, Garrix,” she continued, clearly aghast. “Back in the day we had Goldie, Seb Fontaine and Taul Paul, proper British DJs that you can be proud of and drop a gary to to have a proper night out.”
“She almost had the Swedish House Mafia thrown in the Tower of London,” explained Prince Philip. “Fucking hates the Scandinavian peasants! I had to distract her by exposing my penis to some passing beef eaters.”
“Dave Clarke is the quintessential techno DJ and producer!” The Prince continued. “Liz and I often bang out ‘World Service’ round the Palace! Fischerspooner Emerge…What a tune!”
Before the prestigious set, a slightly pissy smelling Prince Philip placed a commemorative crown onto the head of the new Baron of Techno before slapping him on the arse, winking and pointing towards the waiting decks.
After Mr. Clarke’s set, Wunderground managed to catch up with The Baron to chat about his recent honour, “Yeah I’m chuffed! Not so much about the crown, as it’s a right cunt for my headphones, isn’t matte black and makes me look like a bit of a knob, but no complaints from me!”
“And also now I’m a Baron, I can maybe get Steve Aoki drowned publicly or at least have his car driven off the road while speeding through a Parisian tunnel,” he concluded.
