Why would you want to ever pretend to be a pretentious asshole you may ask? Well, maybe you’re trying to shag a hot yet vacuous, self involved boy or girl and need to win access to his or her genitalia by being equally self serving and cynical. Or there’s the possibility you need to fit in at a posh dinner party and only a sense of aloof disinterest will win the other guests over to your side. Being pretentious is all about pretending you’re better than everyone else and to do that you have to affect the air of a sort of worldly, vaguely superior intellectual snob. There’s a few simple surefire ways to do this without actually living your life to the point where you are a cynical, cultured, muppet. Here’s How To…Be A Pretentious Asshole.
One surefire way to be a pretentious twat is to name drop. Name drop like you’re playing a game of fucking Guess Who. Be careful not to be too specific on the details in case you get found out – so saying something like ‘I was best friends with Jonathan Rhys Meyers when we were kids’ or ‘I shagged Laura Whitmore’ is sure to land you in trouble as that information can easily be fact checked. Describing a brief encounter with a famous person in a faintly exotic locale is how to land maximum pretentious points – ‘I shared a taxi with James Franco in New York before he was famous. He was a bit “stupid pretty”.’ In this instance you’re being triply pretentious here by name dropping a place, a person and introducing the idea that you’re even better than the person you’re name dropping! Triple point score…Good work!
Another thing those of the pretentious persuasion love to do is offer unasked for advice. This isn’t some display of pretentious altruism but a passive aggressive way to covertly display their own superiority. It’s quite a simple trick to master for any budding twat. You can do it any time and in any place, there is no need to wait for a moment to strike. Often the most blatant ones are just brazenly offered in mid conversation, such as ‘you know you should let that wine breathe before drinking it’, if you say this whilst pushing the rim of your glasses up your nose then people will be thinking your a pretentious dickface pretty much instantly. Follow simple templates like these – ‘you know you should never/always…….’ or ‘well actually that’s something of a misconception….’ – and you’ll be coming across like a smug cunt in now time. It’s that easy!
Pretentious d-bags love nothing more than to complain. When people complain the core of what they’re saying is that something is not good enough for them. So to display their superiority nothing will ever be good enough for the pretentious person. So all you need to do is purposely be a contrary wanker and you’re automatically pretentious! Saying things like ‘well their last album was better’ or tutting when you take a sip of your drink or refusing to sing Happy Birthday because it’s ‘so lame’ – are all easy-to-master tricks of the complaining trade. Learn them well….
If you’re going to come across as pretentious you’re going to have to start loving the sound of your own voice because you’re going to need to spout some ill-informed, self interested, shit-speak. The best way to do this for a large group is when you’re in a lecture hall in college or a meeting at work employ the old asking-a-question-that-I-don’t-care-about-just-to-show-off-my-superior-knowledge-of-the-material trick. Hopefully what happens is that your long winded ramble will force the meeting or lecture to run over time, thus ensuring that your work colleagues or classmates think that you’re a smug bell-end.
You could always just ignore all of the above advice and just BE KATIE HOPKINS.
