How To…Fake An Orgasm…For Dudes

Throughout the doldrums of daily life there are plenty of situations which will require you to fake interest – someone could be showing you incredibly cute yet tedious pictures of their new baby, or recounting in minute detail their holiday adventures which they had with some unexplained person named Mark who you’ve never met before and thus give less than two solitary shits about, or they could be expressing some sort of genuine human emotion which you’ll then have to empathise with by making concerned gestures and noises with your face and mouth. And if that’s not enough, faking it doesn’t stop at basic human interactions, it can often be required in that most intimate of situations, the sex act. Today’s How To attempts to adjust the fake orgasm gender imbalance by showing our guy readers how to pull a Meg Ryan.

Firstly you might ask “Well, whyever would my darling boyfriend/lover/random stranger whose name and sexual history I don’t know, ever want to fake an orgasm with me?” There’s a host of reasons behind the male fake orgasm – over indulgence in drugs and alcohol can sometimes cause the man to inadvertently cock block himself, or maybe your bloke is addicted to internet porn and has already blown ball butter several times today (in other words he’s a male of the human species), or he might just not be that into you in which case he’s a pretty good actor.

So if you’re a dude and any of the above conditions affect you and you can’t simply stop boozing, drugging and wanking then you’re going to have to fake that orgasm. In order to be successful it is absolutely imperative that you wear a condom lest the absence of your man mess makes your lady suspicious. There’s no getting around this.

The next thing you’re going to make sure is that you don’t overact. This isn’t the time to ham it up. You’re not William Shatner. Saying “Oh my I…think I’m…about to come” and then thrashing about wildly as if the bed has just received a direct hit from a Klingon Bird of Prey is not going to cut it. You’re going to need to be subtle and natural. There’s no need to go method, just throw in your usual few grunts and thrusts and you’ll be believed.

Doing things face to face is often the best way to get something done. Not in this situation. If it’s a long term girlfriend or not, most girls will be able tell your vinegar strokes so either be in a position where you’re not facing each other or bury your head into the pillow, if you make eye contact and it doesn’t look right then the game is blown and the only thing worse than faking an orgasm is getting caught faking an orgasm.

After the “moment” you need to exit stage left super sharpish and dispose of that evidence. Or lack thereof. Get yourself into the toilet and flush or bin that bad boy. Your partner isn’t going to go rummaging around through her bathroom bin looking for evidence of your coming. Hopefully. Best be safe and flush it or else stop banging psychos.

You’re in the home straight now, all you need to do is just do your normal post sex routine – if usually you suddenly remember that you had arranged to help one of the lads with a thing at the place – then go do that. If you normally cuddle in a state of quiet tenderness then, it’s a bit gay, but get back into bed and get your cuddle on. It’s all about not arousing suspicion for these next few minutes before you can fall asleep and then bang, congratulations my friend, you’ve just faked an orgasm and your lover is happy and contented because she still thinks that she’s a sexual superhero. Good work! Now in future keep your hand off your dick and drink less and you’ll never have to fake again…