Scientists in UCLA‘s Biology Department’s Bee Studies, or B.S. lab, have announced that they have made a direct link between the rise in popularity of electronic dance music and the rapid reduction in bee numbers.
Dr. Buzz Offenbach, head of B.S., has spent the last two decades studying bees and trying to decipher just what is causing their numbers to reduce. ‘Figuring this out was a real doozie, I’ve seen some things as a biologist that would blow your mind. Back in Alabama, on Old Man Tucker’s farm, I once seen a chicken who was born with a human anus for a face. It didn’t take long to figure out what had happened, he was banging his chickens. But the bees, goddammit we had no idea what was killing them.’
‘We studied entire bee ecosystems, we looked at everything, pollution, predators, pesticides, peadophiles but we just couldn’t find anything. Then one day I was sitting in the lab listening to a brand new Avicii CD and by chance I noticed a bee flying near the speaker, next thing it just dropped to the ground. Straight away alarm bells started going off in my head, we studied the bee and seen that it’s wings had started to fuse. The fusing was caused by a massive amount of heat, which happened when the sound waves met the bee’s wings, which flap a staggering two hundred and thirty times a second.’
‘The air is full of sound waves of all frequencies, just because you can’t hear them doesn’t mean they’re not there. Accumulated music makes up for a large percentage of the waves in the air at any one time. In the past it’s just been a bit of Bon Jovi or Garth Brooks, these are totally harmless to bees but since the 90’s we’ve had house music to deal with, the higher bpm sends sound waves out like tsunamis. It’s so obvious now looking back because it happened at exactly the same time as the bee numbers started to fall. Now we have a whole EDM culture and it’s only a matter of time before they’re all dead.’
With the reduction in bee numbers posing a very real threat to the multi-billion dollar agricultural industry, the US government are sure to take quick and effective action against EDM.
Dr. Offenbach, pictured above trying to explain to a student exactly why he listens to Avicii, has already been tipped to pick up a Nobel prize later this year.
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