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August 22, 2013
1 min read

‘I’m Really A Nice Guy’ Claims London Bouncer

Paul Anderson, a London bouncer, has denied claims that he is mean, rough and unreasonable and stated, “I’m really a nice guy, people just misunderstand me all the time!”

Paul has been running the door at London’s Fabric nightclub for over ten years. He has successfully implemented a zero tolerance policy on drugs and weapons in the club, by adhering to a strict set of guidelines handed to him by the clubs owners. Paul explained his predicament, “I’ve been bouncing my whole life, it’s all I know. I’m six foot five and I’ve been kickboxing since I was about seven years old. What else was I going to do?” he questioned, “You can’t run a successful door by being nice to people. You would be taken advantage of in a flash. So most bouncers put on a tough guy demeanor. It’s usually all just an act but not in my case, I was genuinely just an evil git. I’m trying my best to change and for a while now, every time I’ve kicked someone out or broke someone’s jaw a little piece of me has died. It’s breaking my heart,” he confessed ashamedly.

Paul has recently signed up to a ‘Nice Guy’ course at a local community center. The course is aimed at bouncers, soldiers and convicts and is designed to help its participants ‘fit in’ to society better. Course coordinator and reformed convict Nigel Blair explained how it works. “We bring all of these guy, who have spent their whole life being confrontational, together and teach them how to be calm and to learn to avoid confrontation. We take them on walks on the beach, we get them to look after kittens and puppies, they learn how to knit and crochet. We basically just soften them up and help them find their inner nice guy, who has been buried deep inside them through years of being arseholes. We have about an eighty percent pass rate unfortunately the other twenty percent do usually go on to be serious offenders but you got to take the rough with the smooth, ey!” exclaimed Mr. Blair.

Paul spoke of the major positive impact the course is having on his life, “It’s weird because if you had told me a couple of years ago that I wouldn’t always want to bash people…..well I would have bashed you!” he said menacingly, “But now, I rarely want to bash people, I still do it because it’s my job but I feel bad about it. It’s great, I used to finish work, get drunk and go beat up some random little fella, now myself and all the other Fabric bouncers go back to my flat, drink tea and play connect four.”

Graham

Graham

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