Dutch DJ Sander Van Doorn has made the audacious claim that he is the first ever man to conceive a child and will successfully give birth later this year.
Van Doorn, a once reputable DJ, has recently become some what of a recluse, spending most of his time locked inside his New York penthouse experimenting with designer drugs and producing mediocre music.
A malnourished, bearded and long haired Van Doorn made the claims during a recent interview, the first in almost two years, with a Dutch television station.
“I have been spending a lot of time locked up in my apartment lately but it’s for my own good. I have a lot of very important experiments that I have been working on and I have made some really good progress lately. Most of it is top secret work and if they knew I was talking to you we’d both be in a lot of trouble but there will be some big news coming from SVD very soon, you just wait and see,” claimed the clearly deranged DJ.
“One bit of exciting news I can share with you is that I’ve managed to get myself pregnant, I’m going to be the first ever man to give birth. It’s amazing what you can do with copious amounts and wanking and a childrens biology set,” he proclaimed excitedly.
“I managed to recreate a womb using an empty Mars Bar wrapper, some rubber pipe and about fifteen elastic bands. It’s a very precise piece of genetic engineering. I also discovered that the anus is capable of holding a baby for the full nine month term,” he claimed.
“The next step was fertilizing an egg, it sounds difficult but it’s basically just wanking into omelette mix and filling the womb with the mixture. Then there was the fun bit, inserting the womb inside me, it took two full days to get it right up there but I found a few strong guys on the street outside my building who were more than willing to help,” explained the confused Dutchman.
“Little Sander will definitely be my next big release, he should be along some time in December and all going well I’ll be pregnant again by the New Year, I’m planing on making a whole team of Van Doorns, possibly even an army, maybe some day we’ll take over the world,” he said with a chilling calmness.
