Doctors in London’s Royal Victoria Hospital have today voiced their concern over the well being of English DJ Tall Paul.
The DJ received his nickname during the early part of his DJing career because he stood at an impressive six foot and six inches tall. But today the former Ministry of Sound resident stands at a mere four foot and eleven inches.
Dr. Shizaz Bahtnagar spoke of the DJ’s condition, “Paul first came to see us in 2009 after he noticed that his jeans had become a little bit too long for him. It’s common for men to shrink about an inch between the ages of thirty and seventy so at first there was little concern on our part. We told him it was a natural part of the aging process and that he should come back and see us in a years time,” he explained assuredly.
“When he came back in 2010 he had shrunk by nearly four inches and alarmingly he has continued to shrink at this rate. That’s over a third of an inch every month. If we do not discover what is causing him to shrink he will have totally disappeared within fifteen years,” he warned.
Tall Paul, pictured above struggling to see over his mixer, also spoke of his ordeal, “I knew there was something wrong for a long time but I kept convincing myself I was going to be fine. If only I’d looked for help sooner I could still be quite tall now I’m no bigger than a twelve year old boy. I always thought that my time as a DJ would end naturally and I’d disappear from the scene as trends and music styles changed but I never thought I’d actually disappear,” he said dejectedly.
“At first it was just a couple of inches, I was able to cope with that but now it’s not just my height, my voice has started to go all squeaky like I’m constantly inhaling helium. At this rate I’m gonna be like one of the Chipmunks by the time I’m fifty five,” he sighed in a hilariously high pitched voice.
“Everywhere I go people shout things like ‘Aye up it’s Small Paul’ or ‘Hey Paul how you gonna drop the base when it dragging along the ground?’ Things like that.”
“I’m also constantly getting people shouting requests for Skee-Lo’s I Wish I Was A Little Bit Taller throughout my sets. People don’t realise how much these things hurt, when I was tall people loved me and shouted really nice things at me. I guess size really does matter,” he sobbed.
Research students at the Biology Department of Oxford University have been working around the clock to try and find out just what is causing the DJ to shrink so rapidly but have so far come up with nothing. PhD candidate Willy Biggens explains, “We’re totally mystified by Tall Paul. We’ve studied his DNA and it’s basically just gone totally Pete Tong, so far we think the most likely cause is that he’s under some sort of Gypsy curse.”
