As misguided activists groups like Mothers Against Molly and BanEDMNow continue to spout reactionary garbage online the US government have today announced that they are raising the national threat level to yellow in a bid to overcome the EDM “super virus” that is afflicting the world’s youth.
The Center for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, Georgia, USA, issued a statement claiming that they are “taking no chances” and issuing a full yellow alert in an attempt to contain the EDM virus, which has been dubbed, “Mollygeddon.”
The CDC has attempted to distance itself from some of the more apocalyptic imagery being bandied around by the reactionary extremist groups like BanEDMNow, “The virus, whilst extremely contagious and dangerous to the fabric of modern music and society, will not, I repeat not, turn you into a rapist, junkie or a sinner. You may become a mildly annoying for some time but the effects should wear off as you develop actual musical taste.”
The virus, which is caused by listening to cheesy electro-house pop music, is still being treated as extremely dangerous and has been described as “the fastest spreading disease since Limp Bizkit.”
A spokesperson for the CDC advised the public to be aware of the potentially deadly symptoms, “The EDM virus has thrown up a host of symptoms that the public can use to detect if themselves or their neighbour has been infected.”
People are being warned that if they or a loved one present with the following symptoms then they should seek help immediately, “The warning signs that you’re into EDM may include but are not limited to: glazed eyes, smiling faces, the wearing of glow sticks, neon face paint, toplessness in men, shrieking in women, and an aversion to any music that does not contain an obvious ‘drop’.”
The report concluded that those most at risk of developing the virus are “impressionable teenagers who don’t know any better, fad followers and people who have no real understanding of electronic music.”
For their own safety the public has been advised to, “stay indoors, avoid any place with garish flashing lights, EDM music and anyone named Molly. If you, or a loved one, does become infected doctors are suggesting that if the patient is quickly administered 60-120 minutes of any Balance, Global Underground or Fabric compilation they should regain their critical functions.”
