Experts have revealed that productivity, on Mondays, in the North American workplace has reached an all time low. It is estimated that levels have plunged a massive 25% when compared to those from five years ago. This has been accredited to the emergence of EDM, and its associated lifestyle, within popular culture.
Thomas Jacobs, of the National Center for Statistics, spoke about how EDM is affecting the work place, “It’s no mystery that the drop in productivity is down to people being out all weekend raving. Europe had a similar problem in the early 90’s,” claimed the statistician. “Young people are going out on Friday and staying out without sleeping all weekend. So naturally they’ll be lethargic in work on Monday.”
“We’re noticing drops in productivity across all sectors but mostly with non skilled workers. Places like call centers, retail outlets and fast food restaurants, anywhere with a high proportion of eighteen to twenty five year old staff members on their books are really struggling,” he explained with a concerned tone. “The number of people calling in sick on a Mondays is also extremely worrying. Excuses like ‘I’ve got diarrhoea’ or ‘lady problems’ are being used all over the country every single week. If these cases were actually true we’d probably all be drowning in a tidal wave of shitty, menstrual gloop,” he said fearfully.
“It doesn’t stop at Monday either, there is a clear knock on effect with Tuesdays. Our research suggests that up to seven percent of people who phone in sick on a Monday also take the next day off. They claim that ‘it’s more realistic’ if they’re not just out on Monday,” he claimed, “but in reality it’s just their disheveled brains fooling them so they can avoid avoid any sort of confrontation that could result in them crying or committing a serious physical or mental assault due to their distraught state,” he continued.
Despite this negative effect EDM is having on the working week, one positive item of note is that there have been no EDM related suicides on Tuesdays. It is now clear that ‘Suicide Tuesday’ is merely a metaphor despite conflicting reports from sensationalist anti-EDM groups earlier this year. “Killing yourself requires planning, motivation and getting out of bed,” explained Dr. Jacobs. “People who’ve been partying all weekend can barely manage doing one of those things at a time. Never mind all three.”
“One of the surprising finds was that Friday is also a very low productivity day,” claimed Dr. Jacobs. “We think this has something to do with people planning their weekends. We suspect that this is the case having looked at their internet usage we noticed that most EDM fans were visiting Facebook, Youtube and Erowid more than any other sites.”
