An American drug dealer, who recently moved to London, has been left without any drugs or money after a metric system mix up.
Tony Barton, made the trans-Atlantic journey earlier this month after a dispute with a local gang leader, “I had to get the fuck up out of Dodge, you know what I mean? Things were about to get real bad for me,” explained the out of luck criminal.
“I had some cash that I’d put aside for a rainy day so I headed straight for the airport and got on the next flight to London. I thought it would be perfect for two reasons, one they speak American and, B, they don’t use the metric system. That’s important for a drug dealer,” explained Mr. Barton.
“I wanted to get my money out on the street, I figured I had enough to buy about 10lbs of weed, I knew if I could flip that I’d be able to set myself up a nice little operation over here,” he said confidently.
“I got talking to some local chump who told me I’d get everything I wanted off some guy in Brixton. I jumped on the tube and made way over to speak to him. We made our arrangements, so far so good, or so I thought,” he claimed.
“I went back to meet the guy with a big bag of money. He’s there with about five other dudes and next thing I know I’m on my own, no money and no weed apart from a crappy little dime bag he handed me. It was all over so quickly I’m still not sure what happened,” said the distraught drug dealer.
Brixton gang member, Davie C, commented on the events, “This Yankee comes up to me talking about buying £10 of weed, I asked him has he got the money and he’s like, ‘no but I’ll bring the whole lot up front later when I come to pick it up.’ I thought that was a little weird because it’s only two grams, a tenner bag innit!”
“So I tell him to meet me at quarter to eight,” explained Mr. C. “After taking a minute to explain that quarter to eight and seven forty five are the same time he shows up holding this big bag of money. We’re opportunists man, we see money like that and we’re gonna take it, simples,” he said with an air of intimidation.
“I don’t know what the fuck he was doing carrying all that money around with him in this area when all he was doing was buying a tenner bag. If you ask me it was his own fault he got robbed, we still gave him his weed and I think someone gave him tube fare too,” commented the firm but fair hoodlum.
Mr. Barton, has had to resort to other avenues of London’s criminal underbelly to support himself with reports claiming that he has set up a one man escort service following sightings of him in Hampstead Heath with George Michael. “I mean, of course, I’d rather it was women,” bemoaned Mr. Barton. “But you’re not going to not fuck George Michael. Even if you weren’t doing it for cash.”
just FYI, people in the US use the metric system for drugs, but it’s still funny