A student who was reported missing in the early hours of yesterday morning has been recovered this afternoon after being found in the home of a local traffic cone.
The traffic cone, who had been drinking since earlier in the day in the company of a local traffic light and parking meter, took the man from the street “for a laugh” and brought the man back to home with him “cause [he] was planning on using him for a beer bong.”
“I was out enjoying some drinks with mates,” claimed the traffic cone who police have released with a stern warning not to do it again. “I’m a hard, honest worker. I’m always focused on my job whether it’s merging traffic lanes or indicating roadworks I’m the first one there in the morning and the last to leave at night. I even volunteer at a local football club where children dribble around me to practice their ball control.”
Speaking about his motivation behind stealing the man from the street the traffic cone, pictured somberly making his statement with his wife and son, said, “Well you’re walking home drunk with your mates and you spot a man just there in the street. Well you grab him don’t ya,” explained the traffic cone. “Who hasn’t spotted a man just standing in the street after the pub and hasn’t started playing with it?”
“I did all the things you usually do when you’re playing with a man. I put him on my head and pretended he was a hat. Not a pointy witch’s hat but a kind of weird, multi-limbed, man-shaped hat. Like Jamiroquai might wear,” continued the traffic cone. “I also held him at my midriff and made thrusting motions with my hips like he was a giant penis and then finally I put my mouth around the aperture of his arsehole and spluttered through his rectal cavity like he was a trumpet.”
“I’m deeply sorry for my misguided, drunken behaviour,” admitted the visibly contrite traffic cone. “I was going to return him today or leave him in someone’s garden. I couldn’t keep him in my house anyway. I’m not a student.”
